When we are children we are very easy to feel empathy for others, Since still not acquired the habit of making judgments about each person, every thing and every situation; yet do not develop that inner Inquisitor all qualify it. Childhood is us simple sharing emotions other and even feel them as if they were our. However, If not learn to clearly differentiate our emotional responsibilities of others, We can easily get caught up in relationships of co-dependency.
Lay a shoulder to help
Many adults believe that children don't realize anything, that you do not have the ability to understand complex situations and family problems; However, any adult who thinks this surely will have a very bad memory and limited capacity for observation. Perhaps a child does not understand all the anecdotal details of a family problem, but surely feels and intuits the conflict and pain, or at least the stress and tension.
When are adults unable to see their children (or by themselves), then the balance leans and children may feel responsible for others. The child would like to cure alcoholism of the father, the neurosis of the mother, the money that is needed, revive the deceased relative, cure Ebola and solve any problems that you are away you love and care from his family. This is only accomplished that with the passage of time that child is not aware of their real necessities of life, which, to have been attended, they would have allowed it to become a full and healthy adult.
If not learn to recognize our vital needs (Learn, meet, love), We started to build a relationship of codependency with the family; for this reason, it is common that there are people who are angry or resentful with their parents for being alcoholics, For example, but the first thing they do is jump to the first addiction that crosses them in adolescence, as somehow being "solidarity" with the father and with the vision of that if a problem is not solved, then shared.
Taught us as children that feelings are a result of the circumstances and what is given or refused, but this is not true: our emotions are a decision we make with the circumstances, But if we do not understand this, emotionally abusive and manipulative associations again in adulthood, driving to codependency and feel that we need us to bail because parents needed to be rescued.
How can we help or help them?
It is necessary to understand that anger, the depression or the frustration of parents, grandparents or siblings, they are not ours and are not our responsibility, as well as not defined us labels that we have described from small.
In fact, all of these emotions and judgements of value that we want to define the world are a decision (conscious or unconscious) about the genre that you want to assign to the film of our life, I mean, our narrative about ourselves. And if we decide that life is a tragedy or a melodrama, so it will be.
However, It is important to understand that it is not necessary to share the beliefs of others to show them our love and provide them with respect, Therefore you do not need to be equal to each other to make it part of our life in a healthy way. Tell “No” to a request (come who come) is not a betrayal; treason is not to accept us as we are and not dare to follow our development needs, whether it is professional, spiritual or any other.
On the other hand, the only way to free you from negative emotions in a healthy way is to recognize and accept. Build the habit of naming the emotions that we can be the best way to release the burden that we have been carrying on the back.
Once these emotions are recognized, We can decide what to do with them; We can identify how they originated and what we can do about it. Thus can avoid taking us as victims of a situation and We will assume the responsibility about ourselves. This can be a long process, but ultimately it leads to learning and development.
Once we have made this new way of being and we have removed the burden of our shoulders, We find ourselves, in general, with which we are able to help others. However, We must avoid confusing intend to help with the rescue, as this often leads to feelings of resentment when others we are not grateful or not act accordingly.
Although it seems strange, the lack of a reaction or a value judgment is often the best way to help someone, and it is the best way to reflect back to them the way that they are acting to make be aware of themselves. Be receptive, listen to the spaces between the words and observe the actions of others leads to compassion for them. We must avoid the need for control and understand learning processes of others, Although they may appear or be painful to us.
The best way to help someone is allowed to do what is. A plant does not grow if there is no space, If it is not provided where you can nourish the Earth, where you receive the Sun's rays and get access to the water. One can not do sprout branches and leaves to save you the work to plant. One ceases to be the plant.